So, I always post funny stuff but this one sucks so don't read this if you don't want to read something sad.
I think this one is more for me.
I work as an Emergency Dept. Pediatrician. My last patient of the night last night was a 9 year old boy. His grandmother was his guardian because his mom just "couldn't get it together".
I read the triage nurse note that said " Grandma says kid is walking weird and slurring and has left sided weakness and has been drinking a lot of pool water and kinda fatigued".
I rolled my eyes and thought " ...ugh...another hypervigilant grandmother".....
Anyway, I went in and met this 9 year old boy who was hyper and all over the place and charming and belly laughed every single time I teased him about ANYTHING. I said " NO LAUGHING!!!".
I looked at him with my hand on my hip and my eyes crossed. His eyes sparkled and he belly laughed so hard that he almost fell off the bed.
I could hardly do his neurological exam because he kept cracking up...which would make me crack up and his grandma crack up.
Kid neuro exams involve a lot of hopping and jumping and silly face gestures etc.
Anyway, his neurological exam was stellar. I reassured the grandmother that he was just a normal kid who probably just had a virus or something.
She kept insisting that something was "off" about him. I repeated my neurological exam and in the middle of it....he drooled.
I asked if he had a sore throat and if he ever had drooled before. His grandmother swore that he had never EVER drooled in his life.
I guess at that point I just knew that he had a brain tumor.
I ordered a CT scan of the brain and sure enough he had what looked like a brain stem glioma...AKA ..Brain Tumor.
I went into the staff bathroom and threw up. I then went into the patient room and took the grandmother out of the room and told the grandmother that the child had a brain tumor and that he would have to be transferred to Orlando where a pediatric neurosurgeon was available.
The little guy was watching TV. Not a care in the world.
The grandmother didn't quite process it. That is common. I left them alone for a while and when I came back she asked for a moment alone. She came back with red eyes and said..." Ok ..now what?".
I spoke with neurosurgeon and he agreed to the transfer.
And....he was transferred.
I have been in practice for 20 years and have diagnosed many horrible pediatric conditions. It doesn't get easier with time. I always am stoic and positive and kind and empathetic when delivering bad news about a horrible diagnosis to a family of the patient.
I cry and hug and pray if they want.
Then I go home. My sweet girls ask me about my day as I make a drink and start dinner if I'm day shift. I smile and say " Great! Thanks for asking!!"...
I just can't get that little boy's laugh out of my head. I can't get his mischievous eyes out of my head.
I know that I'll move on and keep him and many others in my heart and prayers.
I wish that I had one person in my life that I could share my grief with about stuff like this. Instead, I just keep it because no one else really wants to or can process such bad news and outcomes.
My life goes on ( my ex-husband still makes my life hell and my girls still make me happy and I go to soccer games and I make small talk with my friends and I grocery shop and my mother still hates me and my dryer still doesn't work ) but I carry every child that I see that has a horrible malady with me in my mind and heart.
Anyway...I decided tonight to not hide my anguish about that little boy. Please pray for him and his grandmother.
Friday, March 9, 2018
Monday, July 24, 2017
Chloe Wisdom
So I usually get outta night shift around 1 am. But the night that I was supposed to take Chloe to get her wisdom teeth out at 7 am...I didn't get done until 2:30 am. Then I came home and was starving and so I and ate a huge bowl of pasta and didn't go to bed until 4:30 am. I had to get up at 6:30 am to take her so I didn't sleep.
At 7:30, in the oral surgeons office, I asked casually about how they were going to sedate her. The receptionist looked at me and told me her "sedation specialist" would be out to speak with me.
A guy named Jay came out and told me that they were using propanol,versed,fentanyl and ketamine.
I almost fainted. I have been a pediatrician 20 years and only use those drugs to sedate a person in a situation where I have nurses, a respiratory therapist, an on location anesthesiologist, and other MD's around in case I have a child who has an anesthesia complication.
I was a little strung out because of no sleep when I asked to speak to the oral surgeon doing the procedure. I made him go through his whole training. Then questioned him to the point that he showed me every drug in his office. Then,all of his airway tools. I asked him to make sure the light worked on all laryngoscopes ( used to put breathing tubes in unconscious people) . He showed me monitors, defibrillator pads and defibrillator.
I asked to be in there during the procedure. As I walked by his tray of tools I mostly wanted to take Chloe and run. He said "No" to me being in the room during procedure ( good for him).
He had that look on his face like he wanted to poke me in the eye but was placating me because I was a doc in the community and he didn't want me to say bad things about him.
His assistant, Amy, looked at me like I might have needed to be escorted out by security.
Chloe, on the other hand, was cool as a cucumber. She looked at Doc and his staff...Jay and Amy, and said... "My mom is having an anxiety attack. She always freaks out if one of us is sick or hurt.".
This is the same child who just two years ago was so embarrassed by my very presence that she made me drop her off at high school ....500 ft away from entrance so no one would see me. The same child that banned me from going to any sports event where she was cheering. The same daughter that begged me to GO TO BED if she had friends over. The one that would NOT let us have dinner at any restaurant on Flagler Ave because someone from her school might work at the restaurant.
It is true. The child that worships the ground you walk on as a baby through about 10 years old ....thinks you are the biggest doofus ever as age 11 hits.
Then miraculously...same kid has an epiphany and puts up with your parent anxiety and actually wants to be around you....
Why? How?
All I can say is that when Chloe wanted her space from me...I let her. Was I hurt? Not really. I knew I would be beside her even in the background. I let her know that I was there for her and even though she was mortified by my very presence...I continued to ask about her life and friends and offer to take her and her friends places and do anything she asked of me to make her life amazing. And YES I did sign up for this when I found out I was pregnant with her.
So many parents bust their ass to accommodate their kids when they are little. Soccer parents. ..Dance and cheer parents. Going to every event. ..Buying every uniform and driving to every event and joining every parent group.
But what do we do when they grow out of travel soccer and out of competitive cheer? How do we support our pre-teen and teen when they don't want us but still NEED us?
It is so easy to be let down as a parent. We are so easily hurt by our children's denial of us and apparent disgust towards us. All adolescents go through a transition from child to adult that starts early. Unfortunately, puberty...along with all the physical changes...causes emotional changes as well. It seems unfair to have a rush of hormones descend upon a perfectly happy little girl or little boy.
If WE are having a rough time with it then think about how THEY feel. All of a sudden....looks matter....body shape matters...popularity matters...clothes matter....
An imaginary audience of everyone looking at them and judging them for everything.
I see so many parents freak out about their "baby" being defiant and questioning their authority as they transition from concrete thinkers to abstract thinkers. These parents think that it is time to tighten the reigns and draw that child back into the "child" instead of fostering the adolescent that they are becoming. NO FACEBOOK>>>NO INSTAGRAM>>>NO SNAPCHAT>>>...Anything to keep them a child.
That is a mistake. Go with them into this transition. Gain their trust. Let hem know as they enter social media that you will be there for them. Let them know and understand the boundaries. They will fuck up. When they do...EXPLAIN...
Don't rush to judge as they will already feel judged by their peers. Lay down some boundaries early that you explore WITH them so they understand the potential consequences. If they have situations that are a little boundarish....by all means let them know... that it is ok... to let you know so you can trouble shoot with them ahead of time.
My Chloe went from being totally mortified by my very existence to calmly letting me freak out in front of very competent colleagues because I have supported her through her adolescence so far and communicated with her for the whole 6 or 7 years through thick and thin. She trusts me and I have been by her side and her advocate no matter what.
Easy to love and care for them when they are babies and children and rely on you for everything. More challenging to love and care for them as they grow into young adults. The lines are not as black and white.
Chloe's surgery went well. The Doc shook my hand but still must be shaking his head at me. The assistant Amy ended up hugging me.
I'm absolutely losing it that she is leaving for college. We both cry. But, just like I was strong on the day she went to kindergarten and achieved every other milestone, I will be strong for this transition.
Love your adolescents... they will soon be adultsish.
At 7:30, in the oral surgeons office, I asked casually about how they were going to sedate her. The receptionist looked at me and told me her "sedation specialist" would be out to speak with me.
A guy named Jay came out and told me that they were using propanol,versed,fentanyl and ketamine.
I almost fainted. I have been a pediatrician 20 years and only use those drugs to sedate a person in a situation where I have nurses, a respiratory therapist, an on location anesthesiologist, and other MD's around in case I have a child who has an anesthesia complication.
I was a little strung out because of no sleep when I asked to speak to the oral surgeon doing the procedure. I made him go through his whole training. Then questioned him to the point that he showed me every drug in his office. Then,all of his airway tools. I asked him to make sure the light worked on all laryngoscopes ( used to put breathing tubes in unconscious people) . He showed me monitors, defibrillator pads and defibrillator.
I asked to be in there during the procedure. As I walked by his tray of tools I mostly wanted to take Chloe and run. He said "No" to me being in the room during procedure ( good for him).
He had that look on his face like he wanted to poke me in the eye but was placating me because I was a doc in the community and he didn't want me to say bad things about him.
His assistant, Amy, looked at me like I might have needed to be escorted out by security.
Chloe, on the other hand, was cool as a cucumber. She looked at Doc and his staff...Jay and Amy, and said... "My mom is having an anxiety attack. She always freaks out if one of us is sick or hurt.".
This is the same child who just two years ago was so embarrassed by my very presence that she made me drop her off at high school ....500 ft away from entrance so no one would see me. The same child that banned me from going to any sports event where she was cheering. The same daughter that begged me to GO TO BED if she had friends over. The one that would NOT let us have dinner at any restaurant on Flagler Ave because someone from her school might work at the restaurant.
It is true. The child that worships the ground you walk on as a baby through about 10 years old ....thinks you are the biggest doofus ever as age 11 hits.
Then miraculously...same kid has an epiphany and puts up with your parent anxiety and actually wants to be around you....
Why? How?
All I can say is that when Chloe wanted her space from me...I let her. Was I hurt? Not really. I knew I would be beside her even in the background. I let her know that I was there for her and even though she was mortified by my very presence...I continued to ask about her life and friends and offer to take her and her friends places and do anything she asked of me to make her life amazing. And YES I did sign up for this when I found out I was pregnant with her.
So many parents bust their ass to accommodate their kids when they are little. Soccer parents. ..Dance and cheer parents. Going to every event. ..Buying every uniform and driving to every event and joining every parent group.
But what do we do when they grow out of travel soccer and out of competitive cheer? How do we support our pre-teen and teen when they don't want us but still NEED us?
It is so easy to be let down as a parent. We are so easily hurt by our children's denial of us and apparent disgust towards us. All adolescents go through a transition from child to adult that starts early. Unfortunately, puberty...along with all the physical changes...causes emotional changes as well. It seems unfair to have a rush of hormones descend upon a perfectly happy little girl or little boy.
If WE are having a rough time with it then think about how THEY feel. All of a sudden....looks matter....body shape matters...popularity matters...clothes matter....
An imaginary audience of everyone looking at them and judging them for everything.
I see so many parents freak out about their "baby" being defiant and questioning their authority as they transition from concrete thinkers to abstract thinkers. These parents think that it is time to tighten the reigns and draw that child back into the "child" instead of fostering the adolescent that they are becoming. NO FACEBOOK>>>NO INSTAGRAM>>>NO SNAPCHAT>>>...Anything to keep them a child.
That is a mistake. Go with them into this transition. Gain their trust. Let hem know as they enter social media that you will be there for them. Let them know and understand the boundaries. They will fuck up. When they do...EXPLAIN...
Don't rush to judge as they will already feel judged by their peers. Lay down some boundaries early that you explore WITH them so they understand the potential consequences. If they have situations that are a little boundarish....by all means let them know... that it is ok... to let you know so you can trouble shoot with them ahead of time.
My Chloe went from being totally mortified by my very existence to calmly letting me freak out in front of very competent colleagues because I have supported her through her adolescence so far and communicated with her for the whole 6 or 7 years through thick and thin. She trusts me and I have been by her side and her advocate no matter what.
Easy to love and care for them when they are babies and children and rely on you for everything. More challenging to love and care for them as they grow into young adults. The lines are not as black and white.
Chloe's surgery went well. The Doc shook my hand but still must be shaking his head at me. The assistant Amy ended up hugging me.
I'm absolutely losing it that she is leaving for college. We both cry. But, just like I was strong on the day she went to kindergarten and achieved every other milestone, I will be strong for this transition.
Love your adolescents... they will soon be adultsish.
Monday, February 6, 2017
JIC-....Not for the faint hearted as it contains bad words and acts.
TEXT
Mommy to Chloe (Coco)--- It's going to rain. don't forget your umbrella JIC
Coco--- Ok. BTW what is JIC ?
Mommy--- Just In Case.
Coco--- Mom, That's not a thing.
Mommy--- Yeah it is, like LMFAO or WTF or LOL
Coco--- No mom , "JIC" is something you made up.
Mommy--- Yeah, but it's easier than writing "Just in case"....anyway LOVE YOU!!! B
Coco--- B?
Mommy--- Bye.."B" stands for "Bye".
Coco--- No MOM...it's just a "B". It could mean anything.
Mommy--- What else could it have meant?
Coco--- KMILYVMIBMU
Mommy--- WTF is THAT gibberish?
Coco--- That is what it would look like if I just text 1st letters of every word to you.
It stands for, " K MOM I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH. I BROUGHT MY UMBRELLA."
Mommy--- UOENO------That's a song by Wiz Khalifa
Coco--- How would you even know that UOENO means "You don't even know"? And more...How do you know it's by Wiz Khalifa????
Mommy--- UOENO !
Coco--MOM!!!
Mommy--- Look, mostly I just didn't want you to get wet. I just wanted you to bring your umbrella to school JIC.
Coco--- OMG
Mommy-......JIC....
Communication...with my older girls is essential and often not well done. I work over 40 hours per week and Chloe and Liza go to high school full time ( ish). Chloe has a social life comparable to Kate Middleton and we often can go days without communicating.
I also am not privy to their "Snapchat" stories or "Instagrams" or "Tumblers"... Although..I recently found that I have many followers on my " Instagram" which I don't have ( thank you Ruby).
When I was 18 , I was already in college and in addition to attending "pre- med" classes, was following the Grateful Dead without the benefit of any cellphone or snap chat or Facebook or Instagram . I think my parents were in ignorant bliss.
I remember coming home from a long weekend of "concert going" to my mom's house and being sick as hell. She told me to go see my family medicine doc...Dr. Lewis..
I had the worst sore throat and fever. My throat had ulcers and my head hurt and I was dragging !!
I got home and she said.. " Well, what did he say?"...I said..."He told me I had a 'cock sucking virus' and that it would eventually get better...'Mom... I can tell you.. I'M NEVER DOING THAT AGAIN if it makes me feel this sick!' "
She looked at me very bewildered.
She told me she would be right back and immediately called the Family Medicine Clinic ( no HIPPA rules back then I guess).
She came back and calmly explained that he said that I had a "COXSACKIE VIRUS" which was named after a town in upstate NewYork. She started to tell me that it nothing to do with anything I had done on my camping/concert trip and then just stopped and said that I should rest and that she would bring me some tea.
Well then......
So, Chloe is getting ready to go to a "Rap" concert in Miami in May with friends. Guess which mom will be driving her to said concert and picking her up at the end??? Same mom that with be rooming with her and friends in nice hotel room.
I don't know what I will do in August when she goes off to college. There is a "Find my Friend" app that can track her down to the address where she is.. that she has actually said would be OK for us to share.
She and Liza and I communicate. Not as much as we want ( or at least I want) but there is no fear of repercussion. Let me keep you safe and informed and in return you keep me in the loop. Coco actually is looking forward to me coming with her to Miami concert ( not that I will be attending by choice) and I am looking forward to spending time and communicating with my first Kitten.
Mommy to Chloe (Coco)--- It's going to rain. don't forget your umbrella JIC
Coco--- Ok. BTW what is JIC ?
Mommy--- Just In Case.
Coco--- Mom, That's not a thing.
Mommy--- Yeah it is, like LMFAO or WTF or LOL
Coco--- No mom , "JIC" is something you made up.
Mommy--- Yeah, but it's easier than writing "Just in case"....anyway LOVE YOU!!! B
Coco--- B?
Mommy--- Bye.."B" stands for "Bye".
Coco--- No MOM...it's just a "B". It could mean anything.
Mommy--- What else could it have meant?
Coco--- KMILYVMIBMU
Mommy--- WTF is THAT gibberish?
Coco--- That is what it would look like if I just text 1st letters of every word to you.
It stands for, " K MOM I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH. I BROUGHT MY UMBRELLA."
Mommy--- UOENO------That's a song by Wiz Khalifa
Coco--- How would you even know that UOENO means "You don't even know"? And more...How do you know it's by Wiz Khalifa????
Mommy--- UOENO !
Coco--MOM!!!
Mommy--- Look, mostly I just didn't want you to get wet. I just wanted you to bring your umbrella to school JIC.
Coco--- OMG
Mommy-......JIC....
Communication...with my older girls is essential and often not well done. I work over 40 hours per week and Chloe and Liza go to high school full time ( ish). Chloe has a social life comparable to Kate Middleton and we often can go days without communicating.
I also am not privy to their "Snapchat" stories or "Instagrams" or "Tumblers"... Although..I recently found that I have many followers on my " Instagram" which I don't have ( thank you Ruby).
When I was 18 , I was already in college and in addition to attending "pre- med" classes, was following the Grateful Dead without the benefit of any cellphone or snap chat or Facebook or Instagram . I think my parents were in ignorant bliss.
I remember coming home from a long weekend of "concert going" to my mom's house and being sick as hell. She told me to go see my family medicine doc...Dr. Lewis..
I had the worst sore throat and fever. My throat had ulcers and my head hurt and I was dragging !!
I got home and she said.. " Well, what did he say?"...I said..."He told me I had a 'cock sucking virus' and that it would eventually get better...'Mom... I can tell you.. I'M NEVER DOING THAT AGAIN if it makes me feel this sick!' "
She looked at me very bewildered.
She told me she would be right back and immediately called the Family Medicine Clinic ( no HIPPA rules back then I guess).
She came back and calmly explained that he said that I had a "COXSACKIE VIRUS" which was named after a town in upstate NewYork. She started to tell me that it nothing to do with anything I had done on my camping/concert trip and then just stopped and said that I should rest and that she would bring me some tea.
Well then......
So, Chloe is getting ready to go to a "Rap" concert in Miami in May with friends. Guess which mom will be driving her to said concert and picking her up at the end??? Same mom that with be rooming with her and friends in nice hotel room.
I don't know what I will do in August when she goes off to college. There is a "Find my Friend" app that can track her down to the address where she is.. that she has actually said would be OK for us to share.
She and Liza and I communicate. Not as much as we want ( or at least I want) but there is no fear of repercussion. Let me keep you safe and informed and in return you keep me in the loop. Coco actually is looking forward to me coming with her to Miami concert ( not that I will be attending by choice) and I am looking forward to spending time and communicating with my first Kitten.
Wednesday, February 1, 2017
unsolicited pediatric advice: DMV- Devalue Mommy's VeracityDMV-Dig Mullets Vehe...
unsolicited pediatric advice: DMV- Devalue Mommy's Veracity
DMV-Dig Mullets Vehe...: DMV- Devalue Mommy's Veracity DMV-Dig Mullets Vehemently DMV- Ditch My Very-important polar pop DMV-Disable My Validity When I thin...
DMV-Dig Mullets Vehe...: DMV- Devalue Mommy's Veracity DMV-Dig Mullets Vehemently DMV- Ditch My Very-important polar pop DMV-Disable My Validity When I thin...
DMV- Devalue Mommy's Veracity
DMV-Dig Mullets Vehemently
DMV- Ditch My Very-important polar pop
DMV-Disable My Validity
When I think about the Department of Motor Vehicles...aka..DMV.. I picture long lines, waiting, boredom, mullets, poor dentition, desperation and anxiety.
It all started for me as a teenager. My dad came into my room and announced.." Ok , It is your birthday and time to get your license"..
I replied. ..."NO..I'm not ready..Mostly, I can't drive."
Please read in Indian accent..." This does not matter, I did surgery on the older man who does the testing and it will be ok. He is pervert and you are pretty."
After endless waiting and hideous paperwork it was my special moment. I did everything by the book mostly and the old perv stared my boobs the whole time. I could've run over his sister and he wouldn't have noticed.
Perfect score on test.
Since then, some things haven't changed much. Still long lines, ridiculous paper work and the occasional pervert administering driving tests.
When I moved to Florida, I dreaded the whole "RE- DMV" experience.
I felt blessed that I didn't have to go to the giant Daytona DMV amidst the mullets and the blind and the demented elderly and the former DUI candidates.
There existed a cozy little DMV in an off shoot of NSB called Edgewater. It is about the size of my bathroom. No wait. Every form is a pre -rec on line. Not a toothless, DUI, blind, demented or "mulleted" person in sight. The person giving the driving test was not even a pedophillic pervert.
Little did I know that I was entering into a room of control, conspiracy and "cloak and dagger" operation.
On line was a casual and vague description of what I needed to get Liza's " learner's permit". This was the beginning of the game...the dance...the battle...the war...
I walked in to cozy DMV with Liza and my Circle K Polar Pop and a lifetime of documents in hand. I wasn't five feet into the facility when a bearded man behind the desk loudly announced..." Ma'am..PLEASE DISCARD YOUR DRINK!!!DID YOU NOT READ THE SIGN? NO FOOD OR DRINK ALLOWED!!"!!!""!!!
I apologized and returned Polar "Popless" to the small line.
I then took out my phone and began texting Whitney ( super nanny) that I would pick up a few groceries on the way home. Bearded man loudly interrupted my text saying .." Ma'am...THERE IS NO CELL PHONE USE INSIDE THE BUILDING!!!!".
Liza was beet red and I was mortified. I mumbled an apology and stuffed phone with 1/2 written text into my purse. Apparently this gesture "butt dialed" super nanny and phone rang loudly with her special " Crazy Bitch " ring tone.
Evil look from "Beard".
We arrived to bearded man's station and stated our purpose. He asked for documents with an evil gleam in his eye. I produced said documentation and he said loudly.. "HA!!!! Birth certificate is a COPY..not original!!!It must be original like it says ONLINE.. ( I think his thought cloud called me a dumbass).
Eliza shrank and I lowered my eyes and said " Uh..ok...Guess we'll try again..."..
It took me a month to procure original birth certificate and another month to get the courage to go back to cozy DMV.
Liza and I walked into DMV for round 2. No polar pop ...cell phone successfully silenced and documents in hand.
We waited politely while praying we wouldn't get "Beard". But we got "Beard". I cautiously approached and and announced our request to get Liza's permit. He painstakingly went through the documents and triumphantly announced that .."THE SS CARD MUST BE AN ORIGINAL!!"....
Her SS card had been in another file to get her passport ( which FYI was easier to get than her learner's permit).
Defeated again. "Beard" couldn't wipe the look of satisfaction off his face as we walked out....with our heads hung low ..without polar pops or working cell phones.
Liza stared at me the whole way home as if I were intellectually challenged.
I am a board certified pediatrician who saves lives for a living in the emergency dept. I am a smart and successful single mother of 4 girls who has been TAKEN DOWN by the Edgewater DMV times 2.
I think there is a button in the work area of each Edgewater DMV employee station that each employee gets to push whenever they get to send someone away without the patron achieving their stated purpose.
I'm sure that each time the button is pressed ...that employee gets a bonus.
Ok..The third time I showed up to the Edgewater DMV, I had my rolling file case
, no polar pop, silenced cell phoned and my head held high.
Beard and I locked eyes. " Produce the documents" ...He said in a flat but provokish manner.. I produced...and after what felt like evolution had occurred he said.. " Ok..The documents appear to be in order...let us proceed.."..
I let out a deep sigh of relief as though I had just been told that I did't have Chlamydia and proceeded to get Liza's permit.
Talk about VETTING!! Trump should hire Beard and his cronies to find the terrorists among the many. Then there would be no restriction on people entering the US.
As fun as it has been to write about Edgewater DMV, on a real note, it is satisfying to know that there are sticklers for appropriate documents and rules and regulations so that inappropriate drivers are not on the road with my 18 and 15 year old young drivers.
As challenging as it has been, it is worth the effort to have legal and safe drivers on the road thanks to " Beard" who most likely still gets a kickback.
DMV-Dig Mullets Vehemently
DMV- Ditch My Very-important polar pop
DMV-Disable My Validity
When I think about the Department of Motor Vehicles...aka..DMV.. I picture long lines, waiting, boredom, mullets, poor dentition, desperation and anxiety.
It all started for me as a teenager. My dad came into my room and announced.." Ok , It is your birthday and time to get your license"..
I replied. ..."NO..I'm not ready..Mostly, I can't drive."
Please read in Indian accent..." This does not matter, I did surgery on the older man who does the testing and it will be ok. He is pervert and you are pretty."
After endless waiting and hideous paperwork it was my special moment. I did everything by the book mostly and the old perv stared my boobs the whole time. I could've run over his sister and he wouldn't have noticed.
Perfect score on test.
Since then, some things haven't changed much. Still long lines, ridiculous paper work and the occasional pervert administering driving tests.
When I moved to Florida, I dreaded the whole "RE- DMV" experience.
I felt blessed that I didn't have to go to the giant Daytona DMV amidst the mullets and the blind and the demented elderly and the former DUI candidates.
There existed a cozy little DMV in an off shoot of NSB called Edgewater. It is about the size of my bathroom. No wait. Every form is a pre -rec on line. Not a toothless, DUI, blind, demented or "mulleted" person in sight. The person giving the driving test was not even a pedophillic pervert.
Little did I know that I was entering into a room of control, conspiracy and "cloak and dagger" operation.
On line was a casual and vague description of what I needed to get Liza's " learner's permit". This was the beginning of the game...the dance...the battle...the war...
I walked in to cozy DMV with Liza and my Circle K Polar Pop and a lifetime of documents in hand. I wasn't five feet into the facility when a bearded man behind the desk loudly announced..." Ma'am..PLEASE DISCARD YOUR DRINK!!!DID YOU NOT READ THE SIGN? NO FOOD OR DRINK ALLOWED!!"!!!""!!!
I apologized and returned Polar "Popless" to the small line.
I then took out my phone and began texting Whitney ( super nanny) that I would pick up a few groceries on the way home. Bearded man loudly interrupted my text saying .." Ma'am...THERE IS NO CELL PHONE USE INSIDE THE BUILDING!!!!".
Liza was beet red and I was mortified. I mumbled an apology and stuffed phone with 1/2 written text into my purse. Apparently this gesture "butt dialed" super nanny and phone rang loudly with her special " Crazy Bitch " ring tone.
Evil look from "Beard".
We arrived to bearded man's station and stated our purpose. He asked for documents with an evil gleam in his eye. I produced said documentation and he said loudly.. "HA!!!! Birth certificate is a COPY..not original!!!It must be original like it says ONLINE.. ( I think his thought cloud called me a dumbass).
Eliza shrank and I lowered my eyes and said " Uh..ok...Guess we'll try again..."..
It took me a month to procure original birth certificate and another month to get the courage to go back to cozy DMV.
Liza and I walked into DMV for round 2. No polar pop ...cell phone successfully silenced and documents in hand.
We waited politely while praying we wouldn't get "Beard". But we got "Beard". I cautiously approached and and announced our request to get Liza's permit. He painstakingly went through the documents and triumphantly announced that .."THE SS CARD MUST BE AN ORIGINAL!!"....
Her SS card had been in another file to get her passport ( which FYI was easier to get than her learner's permit).
Defeated again. "Beard" couldn't wipe the look of satisfaction off his face as we walked out....with our heads hung low ..without polar pops or working cell phones.
Liza stared at me the whole way home as if I were intellectually challenged.
I am a board certified pediatrician who saves lives for a living in the emergency dept. I am a smart and successful single mother of 4 girls who has been TAKEN DOWN by the Edgewater DMV times 2.
I think there is a button in the work area of each Edgewater DMV employee station that each employee gets to push whenever they get to send someone away without the patron achieving their stated purpose.
I'm sure that each time the button is pressed ...that employee gets a bonus.
Ok..The third time I showed up to the Edgewater DMV, I had my rolling file case
, no polar pop, silenced cell phoned and my head held high.
Beard and I locked eyes. " Produce the documents" ...He said in a flat but provokish manner.. I produced...and after what felt like evolution had occurred he said.. " Ok..The documents appear to be in order...let us proceed.."..
I let out a deep sigh of relief as though I had just been told that I did't have Chlamydia and proceeded to get Liza's permit.
Talk about VETTING!! Trump should hire Beard and his cronies to find the terrorists among the many. Then there would be no restriction on people entering the US.
As fun as it has been to write about Edgewater DMV, on a real note, it is satisfying to know that there are sticklers for appropriate documents and rules and regulations so that inappropriate drivers are not on the road with my 18 and 15 year old young drivers.
As challenging as it has been, it is worth the effort to have legal and safe drivers on the road thanks to " Beard" who most likely still gets a kickback.
Thursday, September 1, 2016
The Early Bird Spoils The SOUP!!
My dad...my hero...used to crack me up with his interpretations and use of "sayings". Being from India and mastering English was just one amazing goal he accomplished. The idioms used in the English language and idiomatic expressions that rely on a figurative meaning really hit home to him. Also, the colloquial terms and slang that cradle "English Speakers" use was one way he he tried to fit in as an Indian who became an American citizen.
Unfortunately, he often either heard them wrong or interpreted them incorrectly.
I can remember working on a middle school project with a few friends down in our basement ( for Floridians ...this is a room in the ground ...below the house where people gather and often store things or have a rec-room).
My dad walked down down and said " Well..Are you breaking wind on your project? " My friends looked confused. I explained to my dad that " Making a dent" in the project or " Making headway" on the project was the appropriate slang. "Breaking Wind" , I told him...was farting.
"Ridiculous...why would they name flatulence after a sturdy jacket?" A "Wind breaker" is a clothing.
"DAD!!! It's a similarity to a SOUND that a fart makes..Like the person "broke the wind"...AHHHGGGG...It's like when a person farts and someone says.. " Who cut the cheese?"
My dad said .."You are tired. Everybody knows there is no sound when cheese is cut. Have you and your friends been drinking?"
"Anyway...go to sleep and get to school before anyone else because "The early bird spoils the soup!".
For the rest of the 7th grade...my friends would ask me if I was "breaking wind" on my homework..
The tons of commonly used sayings in the English Language were what my dad heard all day long. .....TV, in the OR, at home, socializing with friends...
He understood their figurative meanings but often forgot the words of the idiomatic expressions.
After a few martinis on the part of my brother Ram and my dad and I, my dad used to give advice..relying on his collection of wise principles and values.
He always messed up the idiom but Ram and I always got the meaning.
" I always say that if you can kill a bird in the hand...it is worth killing two with a stone!"
I remember when I broke up with my boyfriend in high school and everybody was talking about me ...I just crumbled into bed crying. My dad sat at the end of the bed and said with all sincerity..." People in glass houses shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth!".
This meant the world to me.
But...I digress..
I love to ask my 9 and 10 year old to interpret these strange colloquial sayings.
Kids at this age are very concrete and challenging them to think about the meaning of these age old idioms is an opportunity to expand their minds...while laughing hysterically at the answers they offer.
We play this game when we all go out to dinner. I ask Ruby.."What does it mean to put the cart before the horse?"
She thinks and says...Well if you put the cart before the horse ...the horse will jam up his head and neck and therefore be useless...so you should never do this if you love your horse.
We die laughing. Then Chloe or Liza explain the meaning and use it in a sentence.
Darby's turn. I ask her what "Bite off more than you can chew" means. She thinks and says ....thats easy..I do it all the time. If you have beef jerky and you take a big bite and can't swallow it you have to spit it outing front of everyone and then the lunch monitor asks you to leave the table and then you miss recess.
When the girls finish laughing and explain the real meaning...Darby looks at them like they are just making stuff up. " What does THAT have to do with spitting out beef jerky????"
Regardless of the outcome, at least they get to hear the idioms and hear them used in a sentence and the rest of us get to appreciate the concrete mind on its way to abstraction.
Remember....A rolling stone gets the worm!
We play this game when we all go out to dinner. I ask Ruby.."What does it mean to put the cart before the horse?"
She thinks and says...Well if you put the cart before the horse ...the horse will jam up his head and neck and therefore be useless...so you should never do this if you love your horse.
We die laughing. Then Chloe or Liza explain the meaning and use it in a sentence.
Darby's turn. I ask her what "Bite off more than you can chew" means. She thinks and says ....thats easy..I do it all the time. If you have beef jerky and you take a big bite and can't swallow it you have to spit it outing front of everyone and then the lunch monitor asks you to leave the table and then you miss recess.
When the girls finish laughing and explain the real meaning...Darby looks at them like they are just making stuff up. " What does THAT have to do with spitting out beef jerky????"
Regardless of the outcome, at least they get to hear the idioms and hear them used in a sentence and the rest of us get to appreciate the concrete mind on its way to abstraction.
Remember....A rolling stone gets the worm!
Saturday, December 12, 2015
Bilingual
I just finished 6 nights in a row as the pediatric ED doc in Daytona Beach Florida. I love this job! 75% primary care and 25% scary.
Thank God my experienced and amazing staff makes the scary intensive and critical care experiences successful.
I had no idea how many people came to the ED that didn't speak English. Now I know.
I go into the room and listen....then I start to ask questions. If the language is Spanish..then I start asking questions in Spanglish. I employ my best Spanish accent. I ask " Does your child have a FEVERVA? . ..Is he VOMITINGO...Any RASHEESIA??
Then I start to speak louder and employ my own sign language. I grab my head and bang it against the wall and scream "ANY HEAD PAIN?""...
After some time...the nurse reminds me that we have an online interpreter that could make everything better.
I eagerly and humbly agree.
Said interpreter makes all things more clear and I can do my job without further making an ass out of myself.
Which brings me to my point. All kids that can be bilingual should be bilingual. My dad came from India and didn't teach my brother and I any of his 4-5 languages. It was a time to hide one's ethnicity and blend in to the status quo...American...small town culture.
RJ..speaks fluent Spanish and didn't teach the girls a word of it. He wasn't around much when they were little though.
Now when I see patients of other cultures....I BEG them to only speak their native language around their children in their home. They will get English from TV, daycare and school. Children have an amazing capacity to learn and process language from birth forward. They will NOT be delayed by being bilingual or trilingual.
Studies have shown that even children with developmental delay have the ability to process more than one language!
So...now...when I see a family that speaks another language...I no longer try to shout out my questions in the appropriate accent....but immediately ask for the interpreter and make SURE they know that I want them to speak their native language in the home so that their child has the benefit of knowing MANY different ways to communicate.
I am trying ..at 47 years of age to learn Spanish. I mostly suck at this. My brain just won't do it.
My advice...teach kids from birth to be bilingual or trilingual.
I had a patient that was so sick a few nights ago. He was almost 3 years old and spoke only Spanish. His mom had some English. I was trying to bond with him but I could only remember two Spanish words.... Blue (Azul) and cat (Gato)...So I said in my fun pediatric voice..." I'm an AZUL GATO..I'm an AZUL GATO...I'm an AZUL GATO.."..
Apparently, for a febrile and sick Spanish child this was scary. He screamed in terror and his mom looked at me like I had lost my mind.
All the more reason for me to learn Spanish.
Thank God my experienced and amazing staff makes the scary intensive and critical care experiences successful.
I had no idea how many people came to the ED that didn't speak English. Now I know.
I go into the room and listen....then I start to ask questions. If the language is Spanish..then I start asking questions in Spanglish. I employ my best Spanish accent. I ask " Does your child have a FEVERVA? . ..Is he VOMITINGO...Any RASHEESIA??
Then I start to speak louder and employ my own sign language. I grab my head and bang it against the wall and scream "ANY HEAD PAIN?""...
After some time...the nurse reminds me that we have an online interpreter that could make everything better.
I eagerly and humbly agree.
Said interpreter makes all things more clear and I can do my job without further making an ass out of myself.
Which brings me to my point. All kids that can be bilingual should be bilingual. My dad came from India and didn't teach my brother and I any of his 4-5 languages. It was a time to hide one's ethnicity and blend in to the status quo...American...small town culture.
RJ..speaks fluent Spanish and didn't teach the girls a word of it. He wasn't around much when they were little though.
Now when I see patients of other cultures....I BEG them to only speak their native language around their children in their home. They will get English from TV, daycare and school. Children have an amazing capacity to learn and process language from birth forward. They will NOT be delayed by being bilingual or trilingual.
Studies have shown that even children with developmental delay have the ability to process more than one language!
So...now...when I see a family that speaks another language...I no longer try to shout out my questions in the appropriate accent....but immediately ask for the interpreter and make SURE they know that I want them to speak their native language in the home so that their child has the benefit of knowing MANY different ways to communicate.
I am trying ..at 47 years of age to learn Spanish. I mostly suck at this. My brain just won't do it.
My advice...teach kids from birth to be bilingual or trilingual.
I had a patient that was so sick a few nights ago. He was almost 3 years old and spoke only Spanish. His mom had some English. I was trying to bond with him but I could only remember two Spanish words.... Blue (Azul) and cat (Gato)...So I said in my fun pediatric voice..." I'm an AZUL GATO..I'm an AZUL GATO...I'm an AZUL GATO.."..
Apparently, for a febrile and sick Spanish child this was scary. He screamed in terror and his mom looked at me like I had lost my mind.
All the more reason for me to learn Spanish.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)