DMV- Devalue Mommy's Veracity
DMV-Dig Mullets Vehemently
DMV- Ditch My Very-important polar pop
DMV-Disable My Validity

When I think about the Department of Motor Vehicles...aka..DMV.. I picture long lines, waiting, boredom, mullets, poor dentition, desperation and anxiety.

It all started for me as a teenager. My dad came into my room and announced.." Ok , It is your birthday and time to get your license"..

I replied. ..."NO..I'm not ready..Mostly, I can't drive."

Please read in Indian accent..." This does not matter, I did surgery on the older man who does the testing and it will be ok. He is pervert and you are pretty."

After endless waiting and hideous paperwork it was my special moment. I did everything by the book mostly and the old perv stared my boobs the whole time. I could've run over his sister and he wouldn't have noticed.

Perfect score on test.

Since then, some things haven't changed much. Still long lines, ridiculous paper work and the occasional pervert administering driving tests.

When I moved to Florida, I dreaded the whole "RE- DMV" experience.

I felt blessed that I didn't have to go to the giant Daytona DMV amidst the mullets and the blind and the demented elderly and the former DUI candidates.

There existed a cozy little DMV in an off shoot of NSB called Edgewater. It is about the size of my bathroom. No wait. Every form is a pre -rec on line. Not a toothless, DUI, blind, demented or "mulleted" person in sight. The person giving the driving test was not even a pedophillic pervert.

Little did I know that I was entering into a room of control, conspiracy and "cloak and dagger" operation.

On line was a casual and vague description of what I needed to get Liza's " learner's permit". This was the beginning of the game...the dance...the battle...the war...

I walked in to cozy DMV with Liza and my Circle K Polar Pop and a lifetime of documents in hand. I wasn't five feet into the facility when a bearded man behind the desk loudly announced..." Ma'am..PLEASE DISCARD YOUR DRINK!!!DID YOU NOT READ THE SIGN? NO FOOD OR DRINK ALLOWED!!"!!!""!!!

I apologized and returned Polar "Popless" to the small line.

I then took out my phone and began texting Whitney ( super nanny) that I would pick up a few groceries on the way home. Bearded man loudly interrupted my text saying .." Ma'am...THERE IS NO CELL PHONE USE INSIDE THE BUILDING!!!!".

Liza was beet red and I was mortified. I mumbled an apology and stuffed phone with 1/2 written text into my purse. Apparently this gesture "butt dialed" super nanny and phone rang loudly with her special " Crazy Bitch " ring tone.

Evil look from "Beard".

We arrived to bearded man's station and stated our purpose. He asked for documents with an evil gleam in his eye. I produced said documentation and he said loudly.. "HA!!!! Birth certificate is a COPY..not original!!!It must be original like it says ONLINE.. ( I think his thought cloud called me a dumbass).

Eliza shrank and I lowered my eyes and said " Uh..ok...Guess we'll try again..."..

It took me a month to procure original birth certificate and another month to get the courage to go back to cozy DMV.

Liza and I walked into DMV for round 2. No polar pop ...cell phone successfully silenced and documents in hand.

We waited politely while praying we wouldn't get "Beard". But we got "Beard". I cautiously approached and and announced our request to get Liza's permit. He painstakingly went through the documents and triumphantly announced that .."THE SS CARD MUST BE AN ORIGINAL!!"....

Her SS card had been in another file to get her passport ( which FYI was easier to get than her learner's permit).

Defeated again. "Beard" couldn't wipe the look of satisfaction off his face as we walked out....with our heads hung low ..without polar pops or working cell phones.

Liza stared at me the whole way home as if I were intellectually challenged.

I am a board certified pediatrician who saves lives for a living in the emergency dept. I am a smart and successful single mother of 4 girls who has been TAKEN DOWN by the Edgewater DMV times 2.

I think there is a button in the work area of each Edgewater DMV employee station that each employee gets to push whenever they get to send someone away without the patron achieving their stated purpose.

I'm sure that each time the button is pressed ...that employee gets a bonus.

Ok..The third time I showed up to the Edgewater DMV, I had my rolling file case
, no polar pop, silenced cell phoned  and my head held high.

Beard and I locked eyes. " Produce the documents" ...He said in a flat but provokish manner.. I produced...and after what felt like evolution had occurred he said.. " Ok..The documents appear to be in order...let us proceed.."..

I let out a deep sigh of relief as though I had just been told that I did't have Chlamydia and proceeded to get Liza's permit.

Talk about VETTING!! Trump should hire Beard and his cronies to find the terrorists among the many. Then there would be no restriction on people entering the US.

As fun as it has been to write about Edgewater DMV, on a real note, it is satisfying to know that there are sticklers for appropriate documents and rules and regulations so that inappropriate drivers are not on the road with my 18 and 15 year old young drivers.

As challenging as it has been, it is worth the effort to have legal and safe drivers on the road thanks to " Beard" who most likely still gets a kickback.