Haunted

So, I always post funny stuff but this one sucks so don't read this if you don't want to read something sad.

I think this one is more for me.

I work as an Emergency Dept. Pediatrician. My last patient of the night last night was a 9 year old boy. His grandmother was his guardian because his mom just "couldn't get it together".

I read the triage nurse note that said " Grandma says kid is walking weird and slurring and has left sided weakness and has been drinking a lot of pool water and kinda fatigued".

I rolled my eyes and thought " ...ugh...another hypervigilant grandmother".....

Anyway, I went in and met this 9 year old boy who was hyper and all over the place and charming and belly laughed every single time I teased him about ANYTHING. I said " NO LAUGHING!!!".

I looked at him with my hand on my hip and my eyes crossed. His eyes sparkled and he belly laughed so hard that he almost fell off the bed.

I could hardly do his neurological exam because he kept cracking up...which would make me crack up and his grandma crack up.

Kid neuro exams involve a lot of hopping and jumping and silly face gestures etc.

Anyway, his neurological exam was stellar. I reassured the grandmother that he was just a normal kid who probably just had a virus or something.

She kept insisting that something was "off" about him. I repeated my neurological exam and in the middle of it....he drooled.

I asked if he had a sore throat and if he ever had drooled before. His grandmother swore that he had never EVER drooled in his life.

I guess at that point I just knew that he had a brain tumor.

I ordered a CT scan of the brain and sure enough he had what looked like a brain stem glioma...AKA ..Brain Tumor.

I went into the staff bathroom and threw up. I then went into the patient room and took the grandmother out of the room and told the grandmother that the child had a brain tumor and that he would have to be transferred to Orlando where a pediatric neurosurgeon was available.

The little guy was watching TV.  Not a care in the world.

The grandmother didn't quite process it. That is common. I left them alone for a while and when I came back she asked for a moment alone. She came back with red eyes and said..." Ok ..now what?".

I spoke with neurosurgeon and he agreed to the transfer.

And....he was transferred.

I have been in practice for 20 years and have diagnosed many horrible pediatric conditions. It doesn't get easier with time. I always am stoic and positive and kind and empathetic when delivering bad news about a horrible diagnosis to a family of the patient.

I cry and hug and pray if they want.

Then I go home. My sweet girls ask me about my day as I make a drink and start dinner if I'm day shift. I smile and say " Great! Thanks for asking!!"...

I just can't get that little boy's laugh out of my head. I can't get his mischievous eyes out of my head.

I know that I'll move on and keep him and many others in my heart and prayers.

I wish that I had one person in my life that I could share my grief with about stuff like this. Instead, I just keep it because no one else really wants to or can process such bad news and outcomes.

My life goes on ( my ex-husband still makes my life hell and my girls still make me happy and I go to soccer games and I make small talk with my friends and I grocery shop and my mother still hates me and my dryer still doesn't work ) but I carry every child that I see that has a horrible malady with me in my mind and heart.

Anyway...I decided tonight to not hide my anguish about that little boy. Please pray for him and his grandmother.